First Published: Alive Magazine No. 158, October 27, 1979
Transcription, Editing and Markup: Malcolm and Paul Saba
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Alive Introduction: Waitress, My Hot Pecan Pie Is Cold is a lively attack against the counter-revolutionary group known as the Bainzites. The title comes from the experience of a working class woman who worked as a waitress in a hotel in Waterloo frequented by Bainzite leader Hardial Bains. Bains would order what he called a “dialectical meal” – hot pecan pie with ice cream. The waitress would bring Bains his “treat”. If the pie was not hot enough for this bourgeois’ tastes he would insist that it be taken back. Bains deemed that the hot pecan pie must be hot enough so that it would melt the ice cream and be a “truly dialectical meal”. This incident shows the amazing arrogance of Bains, an agent who calls himself a “communist leader”, and his complete detachment from the working masses.
* * *
Fifteen stupid Bainzites postering on a board,
The people cut through the garbage with an edge like a sword.
Another religious Bainzite goes praying to the Lord.
Fourteen stupid Bainzites open Desh Bhagat “disco”,
Hardial Bains used a connection to borrow all the dough.
Another passive Bainzite tries to keep his profile low.
Thirteen stupid Bainzites step up faction wrangling,
Low level intrigue is Bains’ finest sampling.
Another chicken Bainzite takes up death’s cackling.
Twelve stupid Bainzites calling down our leader,
They must have found this song in a kindergarten reader.
Another Three Worlds Bainzite is purged by their breeder.
Eleven stupid Bainzites using all their span,
Try out a myth by calling us such-and-such a clan.
Another worthless Bainzite gets hammered with a pan.
Ten stupid Bainzites trying to be slanderous,
Expose Bains’ analysis as weak and preposterous.
Another monkey Bainzite gets a cage in the circus.
Nine stupid Bainzites singing out of tune,
Hear them howl like dogs baying at the moon.
Another splittist Bainzite meets his end quite soon.
Eight stupid Bainzites straining their voices’ top,
Like their political line, their song is a flop.
Another crazy Bainzite feels his brain go “pop”.
Seven stupid Bainzites sing out even more,
If this is their best, we’ll laugh at what’s in store.
Another drunken Bainzite has a meeting with the floor.
Six stupid Bainzites singing at a “feast”,
Taking their lead from an imperialist beast.
Another goon Bainzite gets his forehead creased.
Five stupid Bainzites missing all melodies,
Grovelling for the KGB, they’re so eager to please.
Another stupid Bainzite gets lost in the trees.
Four stupid Bainzites ask, “Is the key C Minor?”
As police spies and thugs, nobody does finer.
Another Trot Bainzite jets away on a liner.
Three stupid Bainzites don’t sound too swell,
On top of that, the lyrics stink like hell.
Another weird Bainzite gets dropped in a well.
Two stupid Bainzites take up degenerate slinking,
Womanizer Bains keeps up avid drinking.
Another idiot Bainzite dies while thinking.
One stupid Bainzite hopes the masses treat change with a shun.
The last stupid Bainzite dies in fear of our solution:
“We are anti-imperialist. We want revolution!”