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From Socialist Review, No. 177, July/August 1994.
Copyright © Socialist Review.
Copied with thanks from the Socialist Review Archive.
Marked up by Einde O’ Callaghan for the Encyclopaedia of Trotskyism On-Line (ETOL).
‘Thomas is as sharp as a razor, works like a bulldozer, but he “thinks he knows everything”. Don’t worry, Padgett Thompson will soon send Thomas packing’
Anybody out there got any spare time? Well if you have I’ve got just the training course for you.
No, please don’t stop reading. I’m not going to offer you one of those awful government training schemes which don’t train you to do anything.
This course is not designed to get you a job, nor is it even designed to pretend to get you a job. This course in fact offers quite the opposite. This is a course which owes its existence to the last 15 years of Tory rule.
Throughout their time in office the Tories have dedicated themselves to trying to weaken unions, strengthen the right of employers and put the fear of God into their workers, sacking them when they step out of line.
Of course it is not always that straightforward. Industrial tribunals can be a bit embarrassing and annoying by occasionally finding in favour of the victimised.
Ah, but there are ways of dealing with industrial tribunals. Which brings me back to that course I mentioned. A document has fallen into my hands, given to me by a young civil servant. I won’t identify this person for reasons that will become obvious.
The document has been sent to civil service managers and is from a jolly little business enterprise called Padgett Thompson.
Padgett Thompson is offering the managers a fascinating course to go on, entitled ‘How to legally dismiss staff with behavioural problems’.
It offers a ‘comprehensive course that gives managers and supervisors the powerful skills they need to confidently weed out employees with unsatisfactory attitudes ... sidestep dismissal problems ... and avoid claims’.
‘If you’re like most managers,’ runs the blurb, ‘you know how to dismiss for theft, poor timekeeping, and absenteeism, but you’re not so sure how to dismiss for misbehaviour’.
The course then deals with problems like how to handle punctual workers and ‘good performers’ whose ‘attitude’ the manager doesn’t like.
The brochure gives little examples. Susan, for instance, only fills ‘the minimum’ work requirement and leaves the office at five on the dot. Sensible Susan, you and I might think, but Padgett Thompson will let you know if and how she can be sacked.
Thomas is as sharp as a razor, works like a bulldozer, but he ‘thinks he knows everything’. Don’t worry, Padgett Thompson will soon send Thomas packing, cards in hand.
As for Lisa, well she complains about her pay cheque and her health and even, heaven forbid, about her bosses.
Out the door is where Padgett Thompson will help you put poor old Lisa. Padgett Thompson can do even more than this. Just in case you happen to feel a twinge of guilt for sacking people whose work is fine, don’t worry because part of the course is called ‘Cope better with all the emotions caused by employee dismissals’.
This part will show you ‘how to take the guilt out of dismissing an employee with a behavioural problem’ and help you ‘to handle the self-doubt ... stress ... anxiety ... and aggravation caused by dismissing personnel who just don’t fit in.’
In six short hours Padgett Thompson will have made you the perfect bastard. You will learn how to sack people, wreck their lives, throw them into financial hardship, not to mention cause them ‘self doubt, stress, anxiety, and aggravation’ – not because there was anything wrong with their work, but because you didn’t like them.
What a staggering monument to Tory rule this nasty little operation is, and how appropriately vicious that they should be using it against their own employees.
For years now we have had to listen to all that claptrap even from liberals, that the one good thing Thatcher did was to curb union power.
Well perhaps they should note that the reason that union rights have come under attack is precisely to allow the world to be full of postgraduates from the Padgett Thompson school of viciousness.
Yes, let’s get back to the days of cap doffing and cringing in the presence of the master. Indeed, why not have YTS and other such schemes on grovelling, where we, the great unwashed, learn how to compliment the boss on his/her genius, perhaps a session on being bright and smart, but not ‘too’ bright and smart.
They could give us guidance on how long after that point in the day we’ve been paid, we should carry on working – an hour, half an hour a week? I mean, I just don’t know.
As for being sullen and moany, perhaps a session on how to come in whistling and smiling when your granny’s just died, your wife’s left you for an accountant, one of the kids has been run over and you’ve got the flesh eating bug. After all, we don’t want to be like moany old Lisa, do we?
It says much for the state of the country that there are courses for sacking people who are good at their jobs, but none on how to sack people who are utterly useless.
I mean there’s grey man Major, chauvinist Clarke, potty Patten, far from hearty Heseltine and the gang. All useless, all failures, all in need of the sack and the sooner the better – and we won’t need a course to show us how.
Still, in the meantime, if you have found this free plug for those nice people at Padgett Thompson useful you might like to give them a ring on 0753 890700. I’m sure they’d be delighted to hear from you!
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