First Published: Alive Magazine No. 169, October 3, 1980
Transcription, Editing and Markup: Malcolm and Paul Saba
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Another satirical essay in the same series as “Guelph Maoists,” this piece was given at an April 17, 1980 meeting in Guelph.
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I’m pleased to be able to make another incisive report from my investigation into the truth about revolutionary people. Last month I travelled out of town with the intention of talking to that bloody, butchering rapist Pol Pot. Recently Pol Pot was removed from his position as Prime Minister. I was most interested in interviewing him – coming to understand the thought processes of this revolutionary madman. My thinking was that by learning about Pol Pot’s logic firsthand, I’d be able to better understand the revolutionary people here in Guelph. It’s obvious to me that the local yokel revolutionaries consciously pattern themselves after cult heroes like Pol Pot. Their mechanical, automaton behaviour can only be understood by travelling to the beacon, or north star, of the madness.
Unfortunately I was unable to locate Pol Pot. I checked the beach, went into the forest, cased out both the gun and archery ranges, even went into the dormitories. The trip wasn’t a total waste, however. I managed to pick up a mighty fine T-shirt in the tuck shop. (Shows T-shirt with “Camp Uchea” written on the front.)
Although I wasn’t able to hunt up Pol Pot, I still wanted to get a fresh perspective on these wacko revolutionaries in Guelph. What I needed, I thought to myself, was to, find a person just like myself. Someone who is intelligent and objective in his political appraisals. Someone who has come into contact with these nutcases and managed to escape with his life. Someone who has a thoroughgoing contempt for the very idea of revolution. And, also, someone who is worldly wise, knows the ropes, knows the rules of the game, has been down and gotten to his feet again; all in all, a street person – a guy who can handle himself in a pinch.
Well, I’m pleased to report that I found my man and managed to have a long chat with him. A couple of weeks ago I travelled to a small nearby town to meet this eminent gentleman. A revealing thing happened as soon as we met. I addressed him as gentleman and he immediately told me that the best way to address him (either directly or indirectly) was as a gentleman/gentleperson.[1] “That’s the way to express your politics in this town,” this gentleman/gentleperson told me. I didn’t fully comprehend what the point was, but I think you’ll agree that here is sharp political acumen. This evening I want to pass on the pearly gems of through and through counterrevolutionary wisdom that this street wise man told me. And, I must be honest and tell you that the whole interview really excited me. I certainly never suspected that there was such a well informed person who hates revolution as much as I do living so close to Guelph. Amazing the resources of the local area.
This gentleman/gentleperson told me that one of the big problems with revolutionary people is that they establish principles and then stick to them. They’re heartless creatures, never “forgiving” the personal failings and shortcomings of great men. This is hard to believe, but he told me that these revolutionaries demand the same consistency and political commitment from their leaders as from their trainee members. No wonder Pol Pot is such a madman. He has the same dedicated commitment to the revolutionary cause as those young 12 and 13 year olds recruited by the Khmer Rouge from the paddy fields.
Another big shortcoming of revolutionaries in Guelph is that they demand logic and reasoning in their political analysis. Any old gobbledygook just won’t do. For example, if somebody wanted to write that the reason the New Democratic Party of Canada occupies a weak position electorally is that Trudeau represents the liberal/social-democratic principles of the Second International, they’d just be laughed at. Sure, even I know that kind of political statement is nonsense. But it sounds impressive, and if a person wants to try and fool people with pompous, high sounding words, they should be given that opportunity. That’s what democracy is all about. But these revolutionaries just don’t have any time for democracy. They refuse to publish uninformed nonsense.
What else did I learn about revolutionaries from this highly perceptive gentleman/gentleperson? Just as I suspected, they poke their nose into people’s personal lives. Nothing is sacred to these fanatics. For example, first they force a group of adults to live cooperatively in a house. Second, they don’t give the adults any guidelines or principles which they should follow. And to top it off, when they find that one guy is screwing three different women, they have the nerve to poke their nose in and say they disagree with the actions going on. More than that, they make political commentary on the whole matter, stating that “promiscuity is bourgeois”. What lack of sensitivity for how the whole matter must have troubled the individuals concerned! What cruel judgmental preaching!
So, this comes to the question of how problems are solved by these revolutionary nuts. My local soul brother told me this bone chilling story. Whenever a problem arises, a group of 3 thugs is sent in, always poised to jump poor innocent bystanders. Guns and shells start appearing all over the place, ready to be used at a moment’s notice. Final warnings are issued without the slightest reason. The purpose of the whole routine, of course, is to terrify the living daylights out of innocent people. These revolutionary thugs are always way off base in what they are doing, but one thing is for sure – they are serious.
Another severe problem with these revolutionaries is their demand for honesty. They ask that individuals give full reports on their political activities and express their opinions on political matters in a collective framework. Holding back information, as should be the personal right of every individual, just isn’t tolerated. And you know what else they do? They take away an individual’s sacred right to make individual decisions. Everything has to be checked out with the organization. For example, as my gentleman/gentleperson was telling me, if you want to ask a political contact to join a revolutionary organization, you have to clear the process through organizational channels. Isn’t that stifling? Like, what happens if you’re meeting with a political contact, and the vibes are just right, and you’re getting a funny flutter in your heart, well, it should be your individual right to offer membership at that point. It certainly would move the situation forward, wouldn’t it? But, these revolutionaries just don’t approve of people making good use of opportunities like that. Their bureaucratic demands hold back the natural development of life.
And the worst thing of all? Well, this street wise gentleman/gentleperson, worldly wise, counter-revolutionary sage lowered his voice to answer that question. With a far off look in his eyes he said, “They don’t forget.” Apparently, when somebody crosses these revolutionaries, like, say, somebody carries himself as a revolutionary leader for a long while when, in fact, all he was interested in was looking after himself, and then is found out, these revolutionary weirdos just don’t “forgive and forget”.
What cruel hearted vengeance! My gentleman/gentleperson was truly troubled by that thought. It chilled me to the bone, I’ll tell you.
All in all, my interview was fascinating – a real eye opener. I deeply benefitted from it. In closing, I’d just like to reiterate what the distinguished counter-revolutionary told me. If nothing else, these people are serious. My advice to you, friends, and especially to all committed counter-revolutionaries – don’t cross these revolutionary wackoes.
[1] NOTE FROM RUTH SHARPE: The character referred to here is a former editor of ALIVE (not Pete Jones). For in-depth information see Alive 125.
ADDITIONAL POINT OF INTEREST: Some “critics” of Alive 125 felt it contained nothing but “typical ultra-left” rhetoric with no anchor to reality. Alive 125 said this “gentleman” had aspirations to be a big landlord. Since that issue was published he has become the biggest downtown real estate owner in a small Ontario town, causing his neighbours concern as he “tries to buy up the main street”. The proof is in the pudding and this character has proved himself to be a real puddinghead.